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The Woodville Republican
Woodville, Mississippi
January 29, 1898     The Woodville Republican
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January 29, 1898

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VOE. LXXII. WOODVILLE, MISS., SATURDAY, JANUARY 29, 1898. NO. 33. SHORT CUT. i 7 BY J. L. HARBOUR. PRATT was working at a "word hunt." A manufacturer soap had offered a prize for longest list made from the in its name, and Frank that the $200 was "worth for." IIe knew just how he could it to make more money, and he several brilliant schemes to Rose, who listened, and talked little. "And jnst lhink of itl" said at length; "if I get it, I'll as much as you would earn in 40 if you get it," Albert repeated. as good a show as anybody. -ou've got to be lucky as well mart, if you want to get rich. I dispute that. I don't believe it drudge for five or six dollars a anyhow. A fellow who keeps eyes open is bound to see chances to a big stake." you know that one of the part- our firm began a s errand boy?" asked. he? Well, it took him 20 years Wasn't much enterprise that! I'll bet you I'll get rich i the time!" laughed and walked avay: went back to his word hunt, himself that his friend was • tiresome. Frank did not blame they were less intimate used to be, but yet it vexed He found he had no heart for hunting. Thinkin'g of old when he and Albert were insym- he listlessly took up the evening The column headed "Business caught his eye. He read: D.An energetic young man as manager, by a firm introducing a new IAberat salary, and for a young fellow with plenty of push, of partnership. Successful appli- a small deposit. Apply be- one and six p. m. at 618 t street, 49. read the advertisement a see- time. Its flattering suggestions effect. means mew he said. "'Lib- alary' more than a dollar sure. An4 a chance of a partner- Guess I'll look this thing up !" Pratts lived in a suburb, and the afternoon found Frank on the train for the city. :He had not s of his hopes and plans• himself too much a man to ask Of anybody. Besides, he expect- them to a plemsant surprise• ,s," he thought, "I'll be able and tell 'era I've got a post- ',15 a week! Wouldn't that slow- A1 :Rose open his eyes!" was an old building near the once used as a factory and only partially occupied. There elevator• As Frank toiled up to floor he passed a youth of his age, who was humming a tune as downstairs. He smiled in a way, and Frank took it as a room he sought proved to be a close, dusty apartment, hidden 'in a corner of the building. It was a desk, a cheap table and Wooden chairs. A man sat at the He looked up sharply as Frank cried. "Did Lovell Broth- check? If they didn't, go tell them the matter is in our hands. We've had more about that trifling account of ed all at one, stared hard at for a moment, and then laughed. pardon," he sad. "I mistook the comfidential clerk of some owe us a little bill What, for you?" to see about your advertise- last night's Courier," Frank yes. Sit down." ace been taken yet3" not positively," the man He spoke in hesitating, cautious as if not at all desirous to rouse Frank was on his mettle bright, smart young fel- l office work, and espe- to meet.callers in an intelligent, way. '1hink you couldfill the sure of itP' Frank said, eonfl- man went on to explain that his a fertilizer--"en- the United States experi- ,stations"--which was already profitable. Twenty of 30 all controlled by the formed to push the sale f erttlizer, each company work- L definite territory. Capitalist.s stock--and here the man gnates whom Well knew by reputationand to preliminary negotiations with needed a young man ability, not hang together very it was full of the sound of the man who told it was a impressive talker. Finally he is In Bridgeport. Our be in the Commercial This hole"he swept his ,tuously around the room for  few days, htle I'm matters that leave me no who want see," he laughed, "nobody of. comtg here to flud a Think you could eontent -here until the first of the "said Frank. that I've takn the other went "on, you a trial, We $ a cause I think you're Jvt the man we need, I'd be willing to start you at a salary of $100." Frank was too much overpowered to speak, but his face musthave expressed his surprise and joy. "As for the de,posit," the man added, indifferently, "it's a mere formality, in this case, but you understand that all employes who handle money have to give us some sortof security. Wegen- erally require  guaranty bond. but if you'll bring us a letter of recommenda- tion from some responsible party, and deposit $100, you shall have the place." It was hard to ask a favor of one who was vohmteering so many kindnesses. and Fran.k bhLshed as he took out his bank book. "I I've only got $85 in the savings bank," he stammered; "but this watch and chain cost $25. Would you be will- ing to take them as part of the se- curityT" "Oh, well, yes, I'll do it to help you out," the man said, with some hesita- tion. "Get me the money and you may bring the letter of recommendation any day this week." Frank hurried to the bank and back again, and handed over the $85 and the watch and chain: "Consider yourself engaged," the man said, smilin,gly. "You may begin work to-morrow morning at nine• I'll be here to show you what to do. Go0d-by till then, and god luck toyou!" The young fellow went home very happy. :He amused himself during the railroad ride by planning how he would "erov over" ALbert, Rose Rose was slaving for five dol]axs w wee, whereas he, Frank, hat been engaged at $25i Here was proof of what he had always maintained, that a sharp fellow, who "kept his eyes open," didn't need to be- gin at the bottom! Well primed with questions, he went early to the office nextmorning. Tiere was a surprise in store for him. As he opened the door he sa.w that all the furniture, scanty enough at the best, had been renved! While he stood wondering, a youth of his own age tnrned away from a win- dow and came forward. Frank recog- nized him as the happy young fellow he had passed on the stairs the day before• "Hello!" the stranger sSd. "Did Mr. Sen,nette send you?" "Mr. Sennette ?" "Tall man with a scar across his left chee&," the stranger added, impatient- ly. "He told me his name was Fair- banks," Frank explained. The two boys stared at each other. Finally the strangler said : "I expected to go to work for---him. whatever his name is, thas morning• He engaged me yesterday as his office rrmnager." "Why, so he did me I" Frank burst out. The strange young man walked thoughtfully across the floor, and back again, before h.e asked: "Did you give him any money?" Frank nodded. "So did' I." the other confessed. "Sold  bicycle and a shotgun to get a hundred dollars of 'security.' You see. when I first came in, he mistook mfor somebody else and yelled at. me about a 'trifling account, of $700,' and--and--I suppose that made an /mpressio on me." "It did on me," Frank had to admit.. "Oh, well, it may be all ri.ght. Only --hello!" he exclaimed, as the door was quietly opened, "here's Inspector Mar- shal 11" It-wan Frank's first meeting with the big policeman, but the latter smiled at both boys as if he had known.them from babyhood• "Well, childreP' he said, jovially, The word made them wince. "If you want to see him real bad, you'll find him at headquarters." * '*Mr. Sennette?" asked the strange youth.. "Mr. F,Mrbanks?" Frank said at the same instant. "Both of 'm" said the policeman. "Li,kewise a good mnay more. But his real name is Peter Jenkins, and he's number 1,243 in, the Rogues' Gallery• He was engaging help in Providence last month. One of the chumps he en- gaged happened'to meet him getting on the midnight Pullnmn. So Peter has re. tired from business." The boys found they had nothing to say. "I thought I'd find Some more chumps here," the inspector went on, cheerily, with a broader smiIe "Now I want you two to skip right down to headquarter and identify the man, and tell your stories to the super. "Probably"--and the inspector's tone was serious and fatherly now, instead of mirthful--"probably the supe']l remind you that you won't ever get somethnw for nothi ng--that no man is ever going to pay you big wages until you've shown you can, earn them." So the boys went to headquarters, and Ln th5 presenc of the grinning rascal who had swindled them, told their stories. Before the matter was dropped, Frank, f.or one, was heartily sick of h/s story. :He repeated it a second timein the police court and  third time in the superior conrt, and the Courier printed it under the heading: "A Fe.w More Fools"which Fran.k thought was pretty hard. But all thla happened three years ago. And Frank has been working hard and constantly, though sometimes for pretty small pay, ever since. He will have money of his own one of these days, and he will deserve all,he gets. He has stopped trying to find a royal/ad to riches. Sometimes, he thtnk, the "shortcut" to wealth is safe enough; but there are other times when it switches off toward th penitentiary.--Youth's Companion. Great ExDeetatlons, Ragqed Rube---I wish some bloke would come along an' plank down in e lump all de cash I expect to earn duri' de balance of me life. Weary Willle--Wot would ye do wid It? THE SQUATTER SKETCHES. Abe Hope Tells About Ifls Specula- t|m in Bogs n'] flow It Paid. yrlghl 1897. BY M QUAD, I was asking the old squatter one day why he didn't have a pen and a hog or two to fatten for his winter eating, and after scratching his head for avhite over the question he replied: "1 dun went into hawgs 'bout seven y'ars ago, and I don't want nuthin' me' to do with the pesky critters• I liad a hundred dollars saved up to buy a mewl when along cures Iurnel Bunker one day and sez: " 'Mawnin' to yo', Abe Itope, and I'm trustin.' that the ole woman ar' well?' " 'As vell as usual.' sez I. " 'And how be things with yo', Abe?' " 'Can't skassly complaln--not skass- ly,' " 'No, I reckon not. I see ye're put three new shingles on the roof and got a new latch-string to the doah since I was 'long yore a y'ar ago, and them thingsshow good time. Abe, why don't yo' riz up and go into pollyticks and git pills, same as I hey?' " 'i ain't got no larnin', sez I• 'It takes me haft an hem" to spell the name of ,Judas Iscariot outer the Bible, and I don't allus pit the hull of it then.' " 'That don't count.' sez he. 'Yo' kin go to the legislachur' and keep yer head shet and nobody will never know that yo' don't know nuthin'. Jest don't bite yet plug terbaker with yer back teeth, nor drink whisky outer a jug. and yo'll pass with the rest of the crowd. Law mel but I was in the legislachur' to' y'ars and never had to write nor spell a word! Yo' ain't doin' right by the woman nor yo'rsel:f if yo' don't riz u,p and be sumbody.' " 'But how kin I do it?' sez I, begin- " 'Mghty clus to 700, I reckon,' sez I, l " 'Then t's time to begin to tall( yo' 1 up fur offis, lIeaps o' people hey head 'bout them ,awgs, and it' all cumin' I ou% jest as I said. They ar' eallin' yo' l 5Iajah all oer the county to-day, and 1 three months hence they'll take thor' hats off to yo' as Kurnel ttope. Reckon an 'bout 700 of them hawgs, oh?' " 'Mighty clus vo 700, kurnel.' " 'When did yo' ecunt'em las%T "'Nevah co, antot 'era 'al], sah, but tlhey must be in t&at canebrake.' " 'Of co'se--of £se. A canebrake is a rSght smart place fur hawge. Abe Ifope, the road to grea:ness at' beta' yo'. A man with 700 hawgs kin run fur any offis in these United States. By the way, I've bin. shootin' sum mighty quare game lately. Hain't nther bird nor animal. Got one yere, and I'd like to hey 3"0' ok at t, rye bin livin' in Arkansaw fur clus upon fo'ty y'ars, but nevah did see the like o' this thing in all tha't time.' "It was a powerful cupivsity," said Abe, "and I looked and looked and mighty nig got skeered o' it." "And hadn't you seen the like be- fore?" I asked. "Ncvah• sah !" he replied, "and I ain't it Was Settled at Last. qpyr|ght, 1897. BY M OUA S we were waiting in the depot at - Schna an old man who had to uses can---o to help him along came in and limped over to the tSeket-seller and i- quired: "Wall. hey they done anything about my claim yit ?" "No, sir--nothin,g done!" was the re- ply. "Are they goin' to?" "Can't sa y." The old man turned away and was limping out when a passenger imlted him and inquired if he had a claim agahst the railroad. "Yes, sah, I have," was the reply. "A train on thi read ldlled one of my hawgs." "How los@ ago was that?" *'Jest 22 y'nrs ago last week." "tIow ofter have you dropped in here to see. about it?" "Once a day, sah." "And you have never been able to get a settlement?" "Never, sah. This road has had five like to agin. I.t wasn't no bird, 'kase ig different, presidents since that hawg had no wings. It wa.n't no fox nor was killed, and the agent here has been wild eat, 'kase it had hoofs and bris- changed seven times, but I never could tles. It was squeezed in as fiat as a glt no settlemen,t, Je.t'pears like they pancake and alm,ost ae thin. and mebbe wanted to ceat me outer that hawg." it was ten minlts beta' I made out what "Hace you filed your claim,?" sort of a v, amnin¢ i't was." " 'Deed I have, sah." "And what was it?" "And have you threatened them with "One o' my hawgs, sah! Yes, sah, a suit for damages?" suah's yo'r alive to-dayI IIe'd bin "lIeaps o' times, sah. Yes bin 22 squeezln' bctween them canes 'tll he y'ars tryin' to t a seitlement, but was no thicker than an inch be'd, and they dan, hang" off on me." the on,ly brim]es left on him was along "Look here. colonel•" aid the passen- his spine. Thor' wasn't 'nuff pork in per, after a moment's thought, "was tha,t hull hawg to grease a skillit, and that a hog or a pig?" f he could have growed out wings he'd "Wail, so,h. y,o' aight call it a pig, 1 hey made a bird that would fly a mile reckon," replied the old man. a miniL" "Fat or lean?" "But was only anehog, '' I said. "Rather lev, sah." 'ERSONAL AND LITERARY, --A new p,-¢me romance by William Morris will soon appear.--Thc Water of lhe Wondrous lsles• --Victor Ilugo reached the age of 83 without ever wearing spectacles, lie  rote a large hand, and wrote stand- ing. Max Nordau's real name was Sud- feld--"southfield'but adopting :Nor- dau--"north meadow"as a Fen nume, lie finally assumed it legally. --Paul Bourge has a craze for Eng- lish hats and clothes, and nnsucccssful- ly tries to assume an English manner. Dis literary studies are largely on English topics. --It is stated, on good anthorlty, that a second copy of Burto's Scented Gar- den--dhe manuscript so piously burned by his widow a few years ago--is in the hands of a London publisher, who was very iutimate with the author. Which proves, if true, that there's no good tu crying over spilt conscieneel --Rev. S. Baring-Gould is called the most versatile of English writers, He i a popular preacher, a eounty squire, a parish clergyman, a poet, a novclist. a historian, the author of the well- known hymn, "Onward, Christian Sol- diers," and is at present writing a Welsh story• ¥ictorien Sardou. the famons French dramatist, was intended for a physician. At one time he gave Greek and Latin lessons at 20 cents apiece, and did translations for a bookseller, once receiving only $6.50 for a translation which occupied him three weeks in the making. --Mr. Volff, who has ,figured so prominently in the troubles in thd un- terhaus, is 35 years of age and was born in Bohemia. lie several years ago fought a duel with a lawyer named Fischer and both of them were sen- reseed to a month's imprisonment, lie is a vigorous writer and since 1890 has nln' to feel rim' li, kea white man. °' 'Go into hawgs,' sez he'heaps o' hawgs. Yere's ten miles o' canebrake "All went jest the same way, sah. "Wn.s pork cheap that year?" edited his own paper, which is bitterly Them canes sarved all alike. Folks "Powerful eheap, sah. Didn't pay to antisemitic. bin a shootn' 'em ever since fur mu- raise hawgs." --Jules Massenet. the French corn- "And what was the amount of your poser, declares that he rosily loves claim?" nothing but his cigar• lie has a cigar "One dollar, sahd' between his lips nearly all the time. ,And what is tt now?" In other ways he is eccentric, lie has "Jest the me, sah -- .one, dollar, up enjoyment of society, sorer accepts Don't want no me' than a hawg is an invitation if he can avoid it. refuses worth, yo' know; and can't take no positively to attend any performances less." of his own work beyond the neeessary "Well," said the pasen,g'er, as he rehearsals and is of an extremely rest- pu//ed out a dol/ar and handed it over. less. nervons habit. t • THEM CANES SAIq'VED T.L ALIKE, atong the river, and p in Missouri scums up no'th, but raebbe har' ar' a hawgs ar' sellin' fur a dollar apiece. Hawgs luv canebrake and wilt pit fat on it. Jest send up that' fur abou*t eighty dollar-hawgs and turn 'era loose down yere. In a y'ar you'lt hey three hundred. In two y'ars yo'lL hey seven hunda'cd. Jest nateral increase. Abe "here's your mon.ey. This settles the claim at last. and dordt you bother this railroad any more." '"rhanks, sah," replied the old man, as he poeketed the bill. "This mak,es ns squa.r' for the havg, sah• and I shan't bother you no m,o'--no me'. It's bin a mighty long time. sah--mighty long tim,e-but I knowed I'd glt it if I uek opt long 'nnff, and the ease is settled, Mawnin', ladies --mawniu', gents-- mawnlu' to all. I shall be powerful lonesome 'bout this tlme o' day, but ] shan't bother this railroad no mo'--no too'!" Where Pro_yer_Prevaildl. Copyright, 1897. BY M QUAD, There was an evangelist on the train who was going t,o hold forth at Cuser City that ndght, rl among the pas- sengers who approached lim to slmke hands and wish him well wa a rough few left yit, If I had lC0 of 'era I'd use looking old fellow, who said: 'era fur shingles onthecabin." "l'm also gain' to pit off at Custex, "And so you didn't rise up?" "Not skassly, sah--not skass]y. Jest and mebbe I could help you out a lit- trikes me that instead of risin" up I t]e to-night•" "Perhaps so," w the doubtful reply. took u drap down. Lea.wise nobody "If you waned me to stand up and an't callint on me to run fur offis, and Hope, and yo' won't hev to feed out an ear o' co'n. n two y'ars yo'll be pint- ed out as the owner of seven hundred hawgs, and this county wilI demand that yo' go to the legislachur'. Can't be nothin' slicker nor surer. :Ha, wgs will do it, Abe Hope---hawgs will riz yo' up and make a great man of yo'?' " "And so you went into hogs?" I asked. "Not at frost," rplied Abe--"not skassly at fust. I sot down on a log to thin'k it all out. and I axed the ole woman what he thought about it, and I din' jump in all,at once. I was still thinkin' when Knvnel Bunker eums along' agin and sez: " 'Mawnin' to yo', Abe Hope. How about them hawgs?' " 'tIain't got 'era yit, Kurnel Bunker --hain't dun got 'era yit.' " 'I'm powerful sorry,' sez he, 'fur I'm jest now lookin' around fur a hawg eandydate fur sheriff. If yo' had five hundred hawg down in the canebrake yo'd be the man t%tr me. Ar' yo' allus gnvine to roost on a log, or ar' yo' gnvine inter hawgs and soar away fur the tree tops ?' them as called me majah once now make it plmia Abe. iNo, I can% skassly say I rjz up---not skassly, but I ad't buyin' an.y nm' hangs to turn tease into cabrakes." RESCUED DEER, wnty-Four of the Animals Hem- med In by the Iee. Man's relation to the wild creatures of the world is in the present day so commonly that of destroyer that it is pleasant to read of a case in which men assumed the character of rescuers, and in which the rescued were not unappre- ciative of the kindness shown them. An April of the present year two gen- tlemen of Bismarck, N. D., discovered 24 deer heramed in by the ice nnd wa- ter above Bismarck. They were in a chnnp of bushes, shut in by the ice, neck-deep in water, and had become so thoroughly chilled that they had no power to save themselves. The two men went to the spot in a skiff and cut a passage through the ice, but even then they had to drive the deer alpng and compel them to • swim ashore. The poor creatures were tell what t:he Lord @id for me over at Deadwood I should be glad to do it" coitinued the old man.. "What happened over there?" "Wall, I was passin' through town, when the sheriff arret-l me fur hos- steams'. I tried tbluff him down, but it was no go. He trigged me off to jad,] and said l'd pit about ten years." "And did the Lord a,ssfst you tobreak putT' asked a passenger near by. "Oh, no• About nfidnght, hatnght a mob 'took me out o jail to hang me. There was about 100 men, and they was fierce fur blood. Nthi' I could say had the leat effect o 'era. They ear. red me along to a tree, and then tood me up ou a Dar'l amd put the noose over my heml. I collect upon tteaven to witness that T was an |noeen¢ man, but they hooted ut me." "But they ddn't hang you ?" observed he man who had sut*ker before• • "That's where my p'intt comes in," smiled the old man. "rben all was ready they gin me three mintts topray. I knelt, down on that barq and offered up sich a prayer es was never heard in that town beffore nor since. It jht went right t the hets of some of "That sorter decided me," said the nearly chilled to death, and two of 'era, and when T was through hey said old man, "and two weeks later I got them were quite helpless on reaching I mu.t be an inncen man. A part down eighty hawgs and turned 'em land. These two were taken to a barn wanted to hang me, and a parddidn't loose in that big canebrake down that', and thawed. They made no resistance but a.rtev I had prayed agi they took They was likety lookin' hawgs and I when carried in, and submitted to hay- the rope off my rteck a.nd lemme go. was mighty pleased• I didn't never lng their legs rubbed torestore thecir- One feller gin me th boo4 as I wenet, catch eight of one of 'em arter he got into %he eane, but I knowed that they was all thor' suah 'nuff. When spring eum I reckoned I had three hundred, and all the folks aronnd yere called me Capting. Six months later I flggered I had about five hundred, and all the folks called me Majah. Didn't see a hawg all this time, miud yo', but I jest knowed they was thar' all he same." "A canebrake is so ihiek that I don't see how even a pig coald get around in it," I said, as the old man looked very serious and dug up the black soil -ith his toes• "Tha.t was t.he hull pin of it," he an- swered with a good deal of vigor. *'Them eases is ms thick as pin ir a paper, a.rd a rabbit can't skassly move about, I knowed Pint, of eo'se, but I didn't tlfink of it along wth hawgs. I was vtn fur te number to gt up to 700 when Kurnel Bunker eum along oe arternoon with a gun on Ms shoul- der and su.thn' in his game bag and "'Deer-sin,' Abe Hope, and yo" 'pear to be lookin as fi nas ilk, How's them Imwg eulation, but he was a mean cuss and not wuth Even when they could walk agaln the mindin,'." they seemed in no hurry to depart, '*And yo thnk the Lord delivered probably finding their warm quarters you?" asked te evangeHs%. more, desirable than the tey water tn "I knw t. I prayed fur it anl I got which they had so long stood. They it." showed no distrust of their rescuers, "You were arrested for salinff a and were manifestly grateful for the horse, you said?" they had received. "Yes, sir." Twelve other deer were ound on a "But you were an |nmcea,t man ?" cake of tee, and tt was necessary to "That's were my p'irgt comes tu splash water on them to et them to an!" laughed the old man, as he swlm ashore. In all probability both rubbed his hands together. "I ktn parties of deer would have perished but stand uP before a crowd and show 'era for the humane exertions of the two what comes of prayer and tmvin' gentlemen.--Youth's Companion. faith." What It'Wa,. "I don't exactly see." "Don't y? Wall, when I was a "Mamma," said a Germantown miss, "what is a preamble?" rested I had three stolen bosses out iu "A preamble, a preamble," sd She the hills, and when they let me go I preoecupled mothe$, "is---is what you stole another and go eway wth the say before you begln."---orth Ame- hull four!" loan. Red Hot. His 8peelalty. "Did Hamfat succeed in warmlng th "Does your son worry you by con- aud.ience in that new part of his?" tracting debts?" "Warming them? They were the "He doesn't contract det---]© CX- hottest lot of peopl I tvT W,'D" trait OLDEST DOG IN THE WORLD, 111. Name Is Goloehe, and He wa I|orn in St. Peterbarg ia 1NTO. The oldest dog in all lhc wide worht is said to be Goloche, a Russian poodle, who was born in St. Petcr.burg iu 1870 and who lives at No. 3 Eat Twenty- etffhth street. This wonde'rfnl (top" is the property of Dr. G. Buckingham Smith, of lhat address, who is the physieian of ]Rielrd Mansfield. the WIT AND WISDOM. --Friend"You are so draadfuDy cress-eyed. I da't se how yon can shoot s+raight." Cross-Eyed Sports, man"I fire both ba,rrcls a.t olace," Boston Tz, aveler. "W,y has S:asher named his ple* ture 'British l)eer? ..... lie was afraid some one would sa.v tlmt Amerlcan deer doa't have legs lik t h-',eof his deer," ChLcago :Record• --"I nnd,erstand rmw," said the Eng* hsh v.flor on the stock exctmn,ge, 'hy you Autericans ha,re developed th game of foatttll t> ueh a, fine point. '' Philadelphia North American, --"II( devoted his immense fortune to the perpetuation of his memory." •  9" "You don't say ., "Yes. h,e]ftittn such shape tba, t every dollar of it will be litigated over."--Detrit JournaL --"Golf,'" ren:arke4 the yotmg mar who is xarisome,ly bla'e, "is on, of the vest* few gaes that do t, :''tO • - o, me." "What is the ea,. for tha, "I never lrned to play it."--Walfing- ton Str. "Won't you play sme4hing, MuIo li,ns?" asked Kttdu, mtiourg tWall the piano, i'I hardly lke twhi4; Gore is here. Is he severe in h eritt- eism?" "Yes; and he carries a pistol.'* --Harlem Life. --t:Irothe Sontext---"Woll, Brother Stiremup, will they raise your salary this year?" Brother Stiremup---"\\;%ll, I don't know abottt, t:h:i year: fey haxet't finished raising it for ]at yea yetJ'--Richmond Thnv,. --"She is a very business-like woman," remarked one young mn. "Yes," re- plied the other; "but I admire  eltng- ing nature." "Then you ought to see her some tirm vheu she is trying to hold on to a, dollar."Wahngtort Star. --Ms. :Hashligh--"My hnsband used to say that I made the best coffee in, the world." The Dyspe,ptie B0arder"Oh! I wouldn't dream of qnestio,uing that, madam; but there is  vast digerenee betweer maklng and ereaing eoffeed' --luek. --"I am told." remarked Mrs. G'ay- enne.• "t,hat, you said some very clever things last ev,ning. '' "Yes," replied Willie Wishlngton: "it is very discour- agin,g." "What is ?" "The snrl)ried man,nor in which everybody is talking about it."Wahingto Star. A COLD The leeman Worked It a l'lme, lt Was A new bride and her receutly emanci- pated mother, ea'll luckily born.with A sense of humor, met the other day at. the studio of au even more Bohemian sister, and merrily tried to see which could tell the biggcx story of her ex- pcrieuees. The deaf and dumb hallboy who has eyes in the back of his head, the faithless buteher, and "the ladywho wants washing" had each furnished w tragedian, share of an irresistible quarter hour. " d " " Robert Delaplaine, of Wheeling, W...I ha alwa3s s,pposed,, said heold, -r ........ " " onntr la(IV ns she rose tO go 'that all nones % a., Drougn% the (IOg rio tals C Y . "., ..... ,. o phi janitor was the noblest work of God I when ne was at)out seven ye,,;, ,  . " - " * "r eks hae come to theeonelusion that, there und had learnea a numuer or   " " .......... t" t he I is something in the very air of a,n apart= trom ms motaer. At lnal: nne  , .. . " . ........ (")la Iment wntch i d:emoratizlng to every (10 C0UI(I sta,n(1 O1% his nea(1 an 1 ] Y | ...... s " .......  t] i I one WhO eitner luaKes bake,, brews, or (lea(I an(1 "vneu SO]he one 'elle(1 ,a £ , t '" ...... wot'" dden!  in any way serves the dwellers therein or police In Jtnssan, ne * t(I St 3' |  " • • .... ....... h-'---'s Dela[ L0.s Of things lay 20 years of house- - come to ltle ano TaKe tU I ll2t2I . ' " | , . . " . . . "/ plaine stumbled across the dog in aide+Ping prepared me Ioi", out_x, - " T'ere he'wasimbibin-not t rouna pus. a orana-new seneme the : wine rm. n • . g / other da only ihilistic doctrines, but a con-[ Y" ........... I "Ever" since we went to the Marie  Sl(leraD[e qnanltty or re(t wine an(z/  " beer The proprietor of fhe place had ffeanuette to llve, I had wondered how it seeured him from the intlrial ken- was that we used as much kne iu our nels, together with his pedigree, small tee ehest as we used to in our Dr. Smith paid $150 for Goloehe. Ire arrived in a big willow hamper and round this eourdry mneh to his liking and a fond friend in his new master. Goloche has a fine figure and a beautiful hite coat of hair at the presen,t, day which, when elipped, makes him look not unlike a lion with a shaggy white east, As a retriever Go]ache is sup- posed to have no eqnal, and another feature of whieh he may be proud is the fact that he is the only dog which has ever traveled on a railroad on a pass of his own. tits pass is for travcting on the trains of the Delaware. Lackawanna & Western railroad and was presented to him by the president of that com- pany. Goloche is a favorite with all the big politieiafi of this city and knows Mr. Plait and Mr. Croker by sight. As the ldest dog he finds life a pleasure, having a bed so soft that even a baby might envy him. His meals are served twice a day, eight a. m. and eight p.m. --N. Y. Journal. What Some Beienttsts qt'hittk, Scientists have been led to the opfnion that at one time thel'e was in or coni- tuting the universe a mass of elements, either fluid, gaseous or molten, which revolved so rapidly, and was so di torted while in this condition by snn tides, that it was in the eourse of ages dividt n,to two parts--the earth and the moon. Then each of these became a separate sphere; they revolved, each on its own axis and each around the other, but so elosely together that a day was only from two to fear hours long, and one month wa about the same length. Such being the ease the gravi,ty mutual- ly exerted by the two bodies tended to distort them with tides--tidal frieHon began to retard their velocity, and the moon, whieh moved le rapidly, began to rece4e from he earth, Subsequent results induced by this course of actiou are. as is aptmreut, that the earth has hardened to its present condition, the Iarge refrigerator. I saw the ice pat in each morning, and the next morn- ing the place that knew it knew it, no more. I studied that thing off andpxt : for a month before I found my gay ceiver out, Oue day I happened to sit down when talking" to the eook. and ][ saw that the ice chest lld seemed {tired np, I looked in. There was a nugget of ee left, but nothing tall enough to prevent, the lid from elostng tight. I • invest iga(1. Iu eaeh hinge of that, lid there was a match, I took them out. The lid 'ent down snug. The more [ thought of it the more certain that it was not a mere coincidence there were two of them. Y%'hn the man came that morning I watched 0at and had the satisfaction of seeing him look snrprised when the lld went down • r t wth a bang under his hand. I he sex morning, we told him that there was ice enough, which was true. the hot kitch- en air being shut out. The next morn- ing I tayed away until he was gone, telling Rosa to give him the kitchen tO himself. The lid wa tilted np the ame old way, but no matches. I got. my glasses on and lighted the gas, and there if you please in each hinge was a little wad of chewing gum!" '%Vhat aeold fraud t" said the Bo- hemian sster, and thereat every woman in the lot gathered up herraiment and fled to look nto the vitals of her own  household. And not a pot of them all could ealt the kettle black. It i a brand*new scheme, but it worl,N. Y Sun. Already ltevarded. The last, joke at the expen. of the French soeiety for the Proteetion of An- imals is to the following effect: A countrymen, armed with an im- mense club, presented hinmelf before the president of the s-eatery and claimed the first prize. IIe was asked to describe the act of hnmanlty o which he found- ed his claim. moon has been drawn out of shaIm so "'I have saved the life of a wolf," re- that one face iSy.always turned this way, h:hk plted thelled tn,"('°unt'rlvman" "I might eaMly and thus hings have reached the exist- " "i sxwzngt,o ing state.N. Sun. the inte "But The Hun*or of It. Cobbs--Things are now so rotten that the latter. "rhat had he done to youT it ts no longer a joke to say of a man "tle had just devoured my wife, ,W when he dies: "He wa the son of rich the reply. .buthonevt parents•" The president reflected a tnstaaL Dobbs--No, it isn't a joke--it's usual- and then said: :,. ly a lie.Up To Date. "My friend, I am of the opinion that '; Measuring a Degree of Latitude. yOU have beeu suciently rewarded."-- Sweden is about, to undertake the Pittsburgh Dispatch, measuremen.t of a degre of latitude Bicycles la lrops d Amavl. *': within the arctic e'rele. An expedition It is estimated hat wlll be sent out tn May to a have been buil