Newspaper Archive of
The Woodville Republican
Woodville, Mississippi
January 15, 1898     The Woodville Republican
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January 15, 1898

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THE DENTIST'S WALL the Mafferlng Patient Uu! Pleused the Tooth Pallet. *q tell you what it is," the infuriated Ira . :: ent w saying to the dentist, "I don't i ad so much the way in which you yanked q that tooth, nor even the fact of its be- i : the wron tooth, nor the price you ! ly nerv, nor any of s :'ou'v. said to me, ] :ht a ten-year-ohl | itr bett r; no, I can't of that racket. It is else the iron that mtered soul--i mean my jaw." rou didn't llke the manner in  ,,rl i you out of that chair?" d the dentist. "it wasn'te fracture thatw," continued,,, the man with ra SQUAN CREEK FOLKS. boataAbOUtand20 sailedmen Jumpeddown theintbay,theirbat th da .  was m the army and a tmedto being shot outofacannon. Nor . ----- when they came to Sweeteake island i wasn't the pain when you took the top Of 01d Jcp Jones Tells the Remarkably Big not a fish could they see. The island head off. No, ir, it was none of those. l that framed and emblazoned motto FISh Story of the Man from wall whicli aroused in me the feelir Red Batik. dentist as his and read words: TqAC! BE TILL. s...,., ............. ...,.,,...,.... .... .,.. that handed bask enough money for car fare and another ound tooth in his collection.-- a Times-Herald. ush to the Klondike. ! railroads are confidently expeetinga ash of travel to the Klondike in the . It is entreated that fully 100,900 pea- ill att to rech the gold field aa as the is over, and with a de. turn a nimble penn' at every oppor- r trunk lines are begmning to prepare xpected rush. One of the first in ia the Baltimore & Ohio Railrol, already begun the running of the .ourist car from New York City to wisco without change by way of his, Washi gton, Parkersburg and i, reaching St. Louis Wednesday rexarkana ' hursday afternoon, El ms, Friday evening and San Fran- day mo " This service is in ad- the one , the Baltimore and the [ the Southern Pacific through to Pittsburgh car leaving every New York car on its re- Francisco Monday evening, ear ]eaves on Thursday. eak w-lth Authority. "Depend upon it, where there's Imaoke there's fire." "Why do you say that?" "I've proved it. It was against the rules to smoke in our office, l smoked, and was fired.Pbiladelphia North American Passport to Greatness, lqo physician can he considered gt:eat un- ti.l he has discce:ered a new germ and s way tff tssmitthg it.--Washington Post. Power of Portrayal. 1're had whole audiences fall in terror at my description The other ex- "Ah yes," he re. night' I portrayed of the world with such , after the erviees me whom should see about (Copyright, 1897.( One day arter the widder Taylor's cottage bad stood empty fur a y'ar or more, a fam'ly named Swan moved down from Bed Bank, and a day or two later Bill Swan, as the man was nmed, cure down to the wharf whar' about 15 of us was waitin' fur the tide and tellln' lies to pass the time away, and interduees himself and sez: "Gentle,men, l've bin hearts' of the town of Squan Creek fur the last ten l y'ars, and I'm glad to be with ye. I! as the only liar in Red Bank, and it was mighty lonesome fur me. You folks hey gained the reputashun of be-i is' the biggest liars on ,be face of the air, h, and I ar' proud to becum a resi- "3eut among ye." Every man riz up and took off his hat and bowed and looked pleased, and Abe Parker spoke fur all, when he sez: "Mister Swan, what sort of a liar o yc consider yerself, if I may be so bold as to ask?" "A fust-clasa liar, sah. Red Bank don't offer the nateral advantages to a liar that Squan Creek does, but made sich a reputashun that they drtv me out." "What's yer best holt in the lyin' bizness?" "Lyin' about whales, sah. Sum folks make a specialty of lyin' about sharks or devil-fish or porpoises, and sum stick to lobsters, oysters or clams, but I kin tell the biggest, sliekest, smooth- eat lie about whales of any man on the face of this airth. I don't want to crowd any other liar out, but if thar is an openin' yere fur a whale liar, otauleaL what kind of plants are a sort of moumaing glory, in ases.--Puck. lemendoas Exodus to the Klondike. who have i ae wending ttmir way All of them should be pro. that medicinal safeguard, Hostet- which warms aml waa just the same as ever, and they knowed they had been lied to. When they got back to the wharf they found :Bill Swan smokin' his pipe and lookin' mighty innercent, and Isaac Stockpole goes up to him and sez: "Bill Swan, we bid ye welcome to Squan Creek, with the understandin' that ye was to be our whale liar." "Yes, ye did," sez Bill. "Ye was to lie about whales, and whales alone." "That's so, and I've ripped the shin- gles off the roof." "But sea bass ain't whales, and ye're lied about sea bass. Thar' ain't a fish on to that island--thar' ain't a fin or a softie." "Then they've slid oft art er restin', and I ain't to blame about it," sez BilL, lookin' sorter injured in his feelin's. "But it was a whopping big lie, and it was a lie outer your line. Salon 1iempstead is our fish liar, and you hain't no right to trespass onto him." Then Bill Swan disappointed ns as a man and a feller-beta'. Instead of o-nin' up that it was a lie which sorter slipped out accidentally, and sayin' he was sorry and would be more keerfui in fucher, he jist riz up and got red in the face and stuck to his story. When we tried to convince him of the error of his ways, he shed tears and of- fered to go befo' Squar' Watkins and make affidavy. He couldn't deceive nobody, however. He lied and we knowed he lied, and he was kept out in the cold. When he kept stiekin' to the lie, we got his wife to wrassle with him, and she read him seven chapters in the Bible and cried for an hour. She didn't move him a peg, and we got the preacher to call around and say: Ready for Him. tell that western customer of would draw on him if he didn't wrote back that if ] any quicker than there with my shooting a aettlement."--Detroit  A woman doesn't object to her naughty ildren if other are worse.--Atchison {Bobs. Scrofula and ! other blood are promptly And Permanently Cured By Hood's Sarsaparilla. suffer from , form of Blood Disorder, you should Take Hood's and Only Hood's. TO THE FRONT. Annleton, AI&, wltes: Hsv been tng Dr. M. clne in my family 11 yeart It has cured me of 1di Dr.  A, Simmons Liver dieite  years. It cured  . Clark of Cram p z Stomach, ann o.]n more for Mr L L. Clark in Imn&-e of Life thn the doctors had done In four year I think it :Is far Supe- rior to"Black Dr&right" )r ,'Zellln'al{ltox." I upl il" *t z)EACON HOLLISTER WALKED HIM AROUND THE TOWN GRAVEYARD. I'll guarantee to fill it in a way to do ye proud." "'Our last whale liar got drowned six months ago," sez Abe, "and so thar is a vacancy, but ye orter understand that ye're got to stick to whales and let other things alone. We've got our shark liar. our clam liar, our lobster liar, and so on, and one ain't allowed to interfere with t'obh,er. I'm the only gineral liar in Squan Creek. 1 got a medal fur savin' five human liars and that privileges me to lie about any- thin', but I'm the only one as kin do it. If we let ye into this eorporashun will ye stick to whales?" "I will," sez Iill, "and yere's my hand on it." He took everybody up to the grocery and treated 'era to hard cider, and was dooly admitted and went to lyin' that very day. His first lie didn't 'pear to bey any great vim in it, and his second was no great shucks, but whe the crowd began to criticise things, PhiIe- tus Thompson" stood up and satd: "Liars of Squan Creek, please to re- member that Bill Swan ar" a stranger among us. He's lived fur y'ars in a town what' he was the only liar, with nobody to encourage him to do his best. He's moved down yere among us, and he's got to feel his way. He spent 65 cnts fur hard eider, and never heaved a stgb, and tf given a fa'r show he'll prove hisself an ornyment to our oeiety !" Bill was given as good a show a. any man ever had, and it was wonderful how he developed, lnside of six months he was the biggest liar on the subject of whales from Sandy Hook to Fryin' Pan Shoals, and four different daily papers sen reporters to interview him. We patted him on the back and made a good deal of him, and if he'd only stuck to his line, he would hey bin elected a member of the legislachur' In a coupIe of y'ars, tie didn't stick, however, tie either got tired of lyln' about whales, or the lyin' habit sorter got away with him. One day when he had bin down am the bay alone t6 fish fur bass he cure ailin' back to say to the crowd on the wharf: "Wall, boys, of all the sights I ever did see in all my bo'n days, this one was the greatestl rye bin a fisherman fur 20 y'ars, but I never seen any- thin' to compare!" ke "Sehlr. o' whales?" asks Abe Par- "Wuss than thatfur wuss." "A dozen sharks?" "Wuss than sharks." "A lot o' dead men?" "Wuss than dead men. Yon allknow about Sweetcake Itland. of course-- down by buoy No. 6? Wall. so many sea bass hey crawled up on that island to rest that it has bin sunk out of sight. Thar' is millions and millions of 'era, Tbey at' pled on top of each her 'tilt they ar' 16 feet thick, and it won't take two hours to load the big- gtmt teamer that 0" "Bill Swan, it ain't the lyin' that's so monstrous wicked, but it's the lyin' about the lie. Jest own up and seek f, argiveness and take a new start. "Them fish was right thar', jest as I said, and I'll die before I'll go back on my storyI" says Bill as he falls to sheddin' tears. Deacon Hollister thought he could work on Bill's feelin's and make him own up. tie walked him around the town graveyard, presented him with a New Testament, took him to prayer meetln' and read him the confessions of seven different murderers, but when he was through Bill looks up and sez: "That's all right, deacon, but them fish was 16 feet deep, and they snnk that island about four feet, and nobody on this airth kin make me sa differ- ent !" That was the end. We jest let him a3one and got another whale liar, and after pinin' around for a couple o' y'ars he died. We thought he'd own up at the last mini,, and seven of our crowd was on hand to ketch the words, but when death seized him he looked around in an anxious way and said: "It's mighty kind o' you boys to be here ahd see me go, bnt don't, neglect bizness on my account. Better git down to Sweetcake island and see if them bass hain't sum in fur another restin' spell !" Culture. "Is it true," asteed the visitor of the old resident, "that this town used to be called 'Daisy?' " "Yep. But there Was a family moved here from Boston and they got it changed to 'Marguerite.' "--Detroit Free Press. Explained. "Why is it you are so bitter against us?" asked the football player of the anti-football editor. "The fact is," replied the editor, "that I w#nt t0 demonstrate that you are not the only ones who can kick."-- Chicago Post. A Sinecure. Weary Willie--De milk inspectors hey hired ol' Slosby Slocum ter test milk. Sunset Simsla it hard work? Weary Willie---Not very. Stobsy sim- ply drinks a little out uv each can, an' if dora's enny water in it is puts him right inter eonvulsions.--Judge. Cruel Old Mort. He--Did you tell your father that I would kill myself if I couldn't have you? SheYes. tie--What did he say? SheHe said that settled it. You couldn't have me.--Chicago News. /k Trifle Baekwurd. "Poketon is a pretty slow place, isn't it?" "Wel, rather. The styles for the fall of 1890 haven't got so they look thor. oughly comfortable there yet.,--Jud$ ' A VETERAN CONDUCTOR, I down the child, 'Tm not gwine to hurt | ye." We enjoyed that immensely. [ I wonder what makes so many of Bill Arp Pays a Tribute to Old these youngish girls (youngish is a 8anford BolL good word) marry these oldish men. Ever since Gen. Longstreet set the ex- ample every old widower in the court- ,peaks of lenlthfulnesm nnd Herolsra try is hunting for a girl wife. The of lluilroaders In General--Man- widows have been thrust out of the hers of the Road--The VII- market. That is all right, maybe, if the lae of Clear Water. girl is poor and tbe widower rich and he will settle a good estate upon her and die ina reasonable time. What curious Gee6, gentle, old Sanford Bell, the transactions such things sometimes faithful veteran of the bell cord, is dead. bring about. Some years ago a rich old He was the oldest conductor in the state widower of our country married a --perhaps the oldest in long and contin- young wife and she was loyal to him uous service in the United States, and until he died, which was in a'reasonable maybe in the world. He was not a great time, and she fell heir to his splendid man, but he was a true man, honestand homestead with all the land attached, faithful, and every traveler respected and soon married again. Not long him. I have known him and traveled after this she died and her last hus- with him for 40 years, and always loved band now steps over the rich man's him, for he was patient and kind. lie land as sole owner and proprietor of was firm, and did his duty, but with- that be never gave a dollar for. out anger or rudeness. I never saw Our brief visit to Florida last week him out of good temper or nnduly ex- was on bnsiness and 1hurried home to cited, but duty was bis watchword. No go west ou another lecture tour. It wonder he was kept in office from ad- grieved me to leave Clear Water, which ministration to administration, for rail- is lovelier than ever. 1t is still lhe road officials appreciate such men, and sweetest town that ever grew beside the even when he became too infirm to shore. Many improvements have been swing aronnd the curves, Mr. Thomas, made since we were there and half a that prince of railroad kings, gave him million has been spent by Mr. Plant on an easier berth, and saved money by the spacious property a mile below. it, for who could settle disputes over Everything at Bellatr is* om a grand killed and damaged stock like San- scale. Its drives and walks and lakes ford? The people all along the liners- and gardens; its grand botel(hatover- spected him, and in most cases leftthe looks the green waters of the gulf; its adjustment to his sole judgment. Small ornameutal shrubbery, and long lines htwyers ceased to fatten ou snmll lift- of stately palms; its coliseum and bou- gation. "Sanford Bell says so," was the lcvards and gasworks and waterworks law and ihe verdict. Whatareeordfor all astoaished and charmed us, for it an unpretending man. My regard for s$emed as though Aladdin had been these true and patient men increases there with his wonderful lamp and dons with my years--these tried conductors, it all--not in a night, but within a 5,ear, these engineers who day and night for it has not been much longer since ][ stand at tbe throttle and realize the re- was there and drove through that sponsibility that rests upon them. Like chaparral of scrub palmetto and saw the pilots on the great steamships, they nothing to attract me save the view of are ever on the lookout for danger, the distant islands and the foaming Their eyes seem to have grown nearer breastworks of the gulf beyond. An- together and more searching from the other half million will make the place a strain of constant use in looking down paradise, but after all Bel/air is artifi- the ever-changing track, lfeellike tip- cial. the handiworklpf man and money, ping my hat to them all, aud saylng: while Clear Water t| the work of nature "God bless you and protect you, for and of God. The one is an embryo city my life ls in your hands when l travel." of magnificent distances; the other a If danger or disaster comes, they re- cozy village nestled on a bluff among ceive the first shock, and oftentimes evergreen oaks and bays and palms and the last to them. Itowilmughtlessand cedars and climbing vines, all clad in unconcerned we travelcrs ride with mossy tresses, and where thebeautifnl never a thought abou the engineer in homes, half hidden, overlook the placid wlmse hands we are. Sometimes we harbor and the settbrg sun, and where read ofawreck, and the telegram says: the children play upon the beach or "Engineer and fireman killed: passen- wade in the waters at the foot of the gers all escaped." To any mind there is hill. Somehow the place reminds me of something grandly heroic in the call- those beautiful lines: ings of these men who move the wheel "And I knew by the smoke that so grace- anti stop them. these engineers and fully curled brakemen who have no choice of time From among the dark elms that a cottage was neaF, or &eather. In the bleak and wintry And I said to myself, if there is peace in night they must breast the storm, this world, "Good-by, wife. good-by, mot.her, my The heart that is humble might look for time is out." He kisses the children and It here." is off. Not long ago I beard a poor, fond 1 said to my friend, Mrs. Aunspaugh, mother say: "My Tom-is running on who has been living there 12 years, the railroad now, and helps us with his "Itas anybody died since I was here?" pay. tie is a brakeman on a freight "Nobody," she replied. "Have you train, and it is a pretty hard place in found the graveyard yet?" "I have, bad wea.Vher. But you know there are not," she said. "There has not been a no easy places n.ow." burial in it since we have lived here and There are many kinds of manners-- the way to it is all choked up with saw manners at the table and the fireside palmetto." Bill Arp, in Atlanta Con- and in the church and in stores on both stitution. sides of the counter, and there are rail- AMERIOAN HUMOH. road manners, both of the officials and tho travelers. Not long ago I board- Speelnens of the Article a Denomto tated by the English. ed the Alabama Great Southern, of the Mark Twain's recent cablegram to Southern, at Chattanooga, and before the effect that the report concerning the train moved out an official came him is all a lie and that he has not paid through the car, and Jn a quiet, polite his debts recalls the playfulness of manner asked every one of us where Artemas Ward and the famous jest of we were going, tie found one man who Mr. Whistler. "N. B.," the former used was going to Atlanta. and quickly hur- to put on his programme, "Mr. Ward ried him off and on the Atlanta train, will pay no bills of his own contract- 1 liked that ; it was good railroad man- ins," Nor, for that matter, would Mr. ners. and was new to me. Railroad of- Whistler. A few years ago the latter's ficials can hardly realize how bewil- creditors had a meeting and submittexl dered strangers feel in a large union a proposition. Mr. Whistler refused to depot, and how grateful they are for consider it. The creditors held a second information, especially when it is ldnd- meeting and submitted a second propo- ]y volunteered. Poor, timid women sition. The result was the same. "But,, unaccustomed to traveling are so afraid Mr. Whistler," the spokesman expostu* they will make a mistake. I came from laled, "we are merely trying to get you Florida last Monday and wasimpressed ou of your diffienltles." "My difficul- with the kindness and attention of a ties," he cried in great astonishment; conductor, a Mr. Seabring, who runs "my diffieulties, did I understand you to from Tampa to Waycross. No woman say? Why, gentlemen, tbese are not was too humble or poorlyelad to receive m:y difficulties; they are yours." his considerate care. Be assisted them Now. that is a very fine specimen of in and out, and took their babies in his what the English call American humor. arms and provide(] them comfortable It would belovely if there were more seats, an(] had his porter to take water like it. But as a comnmdity it is get- to thelr ]ittlc ones. /Ie no only an- Hng scarce. Apart from Mark Twain, swered qnestionswillinglyandpolite]y, tbere is no one to whom you cau turn but gave more information than was for ifnow. Artemas,ard is forgotten. asked for. Most all conductors are Petroleum Vesuvius Nasby belonged to civil and courteous, but some auswer prehistoric times. Bill Nye has de- you in a perfunctory manner and pass parted. Even Josh Billings is dead. on. Mr. Seahring's face seemed tp in- And more is the pity, too. BiIlingswas vite you to for something, so'that not only a humorist, he was asage. No he might oblige you. Ite did not know one who was not both could have said: me nor that I was observing him, but "Flattery is like Kolone water, few be I cannot refrain from saying he is the smelt of, not swallowed;" or, by the model conductor. From Waycross to same token, put the true and ludicrous Tifton we were not calm and serene, in a shape as concrete as this: The night was cold, very cold, and He who by farmin' would get rich the car was cohler, for there was no Must dig. and plant, and he, and sieh" fire, and the porter did not seem to Work hard awl day, sleep hard awl nits, care whether e froze or noL We Save every cent, and not get tlte. Col] ier's Weekly. complained bitterly to the conductor, and in an hour or so he had the pgrter Ht rio,son. to make one. He started a small, sick- "1 understand you have been advo- ly blaze in the heater, and left us. It caring a tax on bachelors," said Single- soon went out and we never got any fire :on. until we got to Tifton and changed "I have." replied Benedict. conductors and porters. Mr. Flournoy "Upon what grounds do you justify was as indignant as we were, and never it 7" stopped his personal supervision until "Upon the general theory that a man we were thoroughly warmed and re- should be made to pay for the enjoy- rived. There is a difference in con- ment of luxury." duckers. This he considered very clever until And there is a greater difference in his wife heard of it, vhcn it seemed to travelers. 8ome will politely offer to lose much of its brilliancy.Chieago share the seat with you while others Post. will stretch themselves and /oak the Its Effect on Him. other way to .keep from being dis- "Don't you lhink that twavel bwoad- turbed. They act like they have the rfl smallpox and don't want you to catch ens a man, Miss Frankfort?" asked an it. My daughter and I sat behind a English tourist who was "doing" Ken- bridal couple as we went down, and tucky, and had met oe of the young notwithstanding the car was crowded ladies of the state capital. and people still coming in, the selfish "Yes, indeed, I do. You have tray- old rascal with his young wife occuplcd eled a great deal, I presume?" "T,hanks, awfully, Miss Frankfort." four seats and stuck lheir feet upon one and looked defiance at everybody. "Not at all. I merely inferred so Women came in with littlechildren and from the fact that you are so flat." Louisville CourierJournal. passed and repassed, and found no seat. The old groom had long, reddish-gray Gettin Even. whiskers and the bride of 25 had had "Seems to me l've seen your face be- her black hair bobbed short in an aft- fore?" said the judge, peering through gravatingstyleandleaned her head upon his spectacles. is shoulder while she affected sleep. "Yes. your honor, you have," replied By and by a countryman with a little the prisoner; "1 am the professor who girl in his arms came in and after walk- gives the young lady next door to you ins up and down a few times, stopped lessons on the piano." sad surveyed the couple for aminute. "Six years!" came from the judge Still there was no sign. At last he said. q'ulckly.Yonkers Statesman. with some temper: "I reckon maybe perhaps if you ones would lift your Bright Prospect AItead. feet often that seat I could find some VisitorWhy, how" big you are grow- piace to set down with this child. 1're Tommy! If you don'tlook out you toted her about a mite a'ready." They will be fretting taller than your father. Ottlr books are free to farmer=. lifted them with alacrity and tried to Tommy--Won't that be jolly? Then turn the seat, and found it locked, pop'll have to wear my t.',] trousers eu! GEglLN K&LI WORgS, "That don't matter," he said s he put down for him.--=Tit-Bits. I at= asthma, bronchitis, or whooping cough, there fs no remedy so sure and safe as Dr. Ayer's Cherry Pectoral. From the first dose its healing influence is manifest. The sufferer who has been kept awake by the cough falls into a refresh- ing sleep, and awakes strong and refreshed. Dr. Ayer's Cherry Pectoral is acknowledged to be a specific for all pulmonary complaints. Physicians praise and prescribe it. This standard remedy for coughs, colds, and all diseases of the throat and lungs, is now put up in half sizo bottles at half price, 50c. "0he of my children had croup, One night I was startled by tho child's hard breathing, and on going to it found it strangling. It had nearly ceased to breath. Having a part of a bottlo of Ayer's Cherry Pec- toral in the house, I gave tha child three doses at short intervals, and anxiously waited results. From the moment the Pectoral was given tho child's breathing grew easier, and in a short time it was sleepinguistly and breathing naturally. Ths child ia alive and well to-day, and I do nos heaitto to y that Ayer'a Cherry Pectoral saved its life." C. J. W00LVRm% Wortham, Tax. Ayer's Cherry Pectora00 FROM THE KLONDIKE. The Mun from the Gold Mines Tens About the Weather. H had just returned from the top of the C hil :at pass and was apparently glad of it. "1low was the weather when you left?" Luired a friend. "Cold?" ' , but not so bad as it will be along J mary, after the mosquitoes get out ! tl air and let the wind have a chance. Then it gets good and cold. A man told me who had wintered up there seven years that it was so cold in January that they froze the flames of their candles and solcl them for strawberries. He said they kept their fires over night by putting them out in the air and letting them freeze and then thawed them out in the morning. He said h. had seen four men die of colic from etirg whisky that was frozen so hard it ou]dn't thaw inside of them. He said the cows all gave ice cream till they_ froze to death. He said he knew a clerk in a hotel on the Yukon that got rich selling the diamonds he wore, said diamonds being nothing on earth but ice crystals that didn't thaw till after the clerk had got out of the country. He said he had seen a man fall off the roof a barn and freeze so stiff before he tit that he broke in two when he hit the ground, tie said he had seen smoke freeze n a chimney till the fire wouldn't draw, and he knew of one case where the smoke froze after it got 100 feet up and fell back on the house, knocking a hole in the roof big enough to drive a yoke of steers through. He said the reason the nights were so long in that country was that the dark got froze so hard the daylight couldn't thaw its way through in less than six months. I-I said--" "Excuse me," interrupted the friend, "did this party have affidavits with these state- ments?" him to go after them for me, and the re- turned Chilkater smiled a smile that was childlike and bland.--Washington Star. The Poker Variety. Depew--See any sharks coming over? Depond--Yes; played with a couple.--Up- to-Date. Some people think that when a man is bald-headed he ought to quit going with the girls.Washington Democrat. Confectioners should make their candy over ban-ban fires.--Chicago News. A grocery clerk may not be as heavy as a dly goo& clerk, but he always weigh n or .--Chicago News She--"But surely you believe that the sins of the father are visited on the chil- dren ?" He--"Rather. My governor prom- ised to let me have a fiver this morning; but he lost it at poker last night, so I didn't get it W--Punch. Every man with t trade thinks every other trade is better.--Washington Demo- crat. Because stuff eomes over the telegraph wires, and costs a great deal of money, it is not necessarily news.--Atchison Globe. It gets cold a great deal earlier in ths season if a girl has a real pretty fall jacket. Washington Democrat. A woman argues that buying an expensive hat with ostrich plumes is like investing iu real estate.--Atchison Globe. Drop a nickel in tle toy bank to-day and get five cents' worth of exercise trying to get it out to-morrowf-Chicago News. Carriages were used in this country long before George Washington introduced the eherry treehack.--Chlcago News. Every Icd has a silver lining. The boy who has the mumps doesn't have to attend school.--Cldcago News. Considering that everyone as supposed to believe in love, there is a good deal of talk behind its back.--Atehison Globe. A man with a long beard riding a bi- I cycle looks funny, anyway.--Washington Democrat. One song sung aid a storm is better than a whole concert when the sun is shin- ing.--N. Y. Independent. ost people have seen worse things in private than they pretend to be shocked at in publie.--Atchison Globe. A man with a plug at looks as much out nf place running as a woman does.--Wah- ingttm Democrat. The Motorman's Pie. tiers is a melancholy story of a motormau and his luncheon: The car was nearly reac to start at the beginning of the route, wh a woman got on and took her place on tt front seat along with the driver, a "stern, married-looking man," who had a basket be- side him, and was somewlmt hurriedly eat- ing his hmcheon. The woman began ask- ing questions, and the man, as she]eft him opportunity, continued to snatch now and then a bite. By and by at the ring of the bell he let on the power and the car started, while he held in one hand a "great slab of cherry pie." A few blocks down the street an impish child danced aeross the track suddenly so near the car that the gripman put on the brakes, and the woman with the inquiring mind rose to her feet in alarm. The danger passed, she sat down again heav- ily. The stern-faced gripman had ceased to eat his pie. "You don't have much time for meals, do you?" asked the woman with the" inquiring mind. "No'm," replied the grip- man, sadly. "Where's your pie?" went or the woman with the inquiring mind. "You're sitting on it," he said.Vashing- ton Post. STATE OF OaIo, CITY OF TOLEDO, | Lucxs COUNTY. 8. Frank J. Cimney makes oath that he is t senior partner of the firm of F. J. Chene & Co., doing business in the ciiy of Toled( County and State aforesaid, and that sat| firm ('ill pay tim sum of One Hundred Dot- lars for each and every ease of catarrh that eannot be eured by the nse of Hall's Catarrh Cure. FRANK J. CttENEY. Sworn to before me and subscribed in m i" presence, this 6th day of December, A. :!:. 1886. A.W. GLEASON, [Seal] Notary Public. Hall's Catarrh Cure is taken internally and acts directly on the blood and mucous sur- faces of the system. Send for tesimonials, free. F.J. CHENEY & CO., Toledo, 0. Sold by druggists, 75c. Hall's Family Pills are the best. Not Lrp in Nautical Lore. At sea, as many people know, time, in- stead of being reckoned by hours, is divided into watches of four hours each. From four o'clock to six, and six o'clock to ;igl , there are half divisions, nautically t rm 1 dog watches. In an insurance case the o - sel asked an old sailor what time of day a cer- tain collision occurred, and received the re- ply: "'About the middle of the first dog watch." In summing up the case the bar- rister enlarged upon the information thus imparted, as follows: "You can imagine, gen- t! of the jury, the care which existed on mis occasion, when, as appears from one of the plaintiff's own witnesses, this valuabl ship an_d her cargo and the lives of p ssen- gers and crew were intrusted to what, gen- tlemen ?--why, to the mere watch of a log!" --English Paper. A Criterion. He (passionately)--You are the only girl I have ever loved! She (eoldly)--So I should judge by the way you go at it.--N. Y. Journal. Pisa's Cure is a wonderful Cough medi- cine.--Mrs. W. Pickert, an Stolen, and Blake Ayes., Brooklyn, N. Y., Oct. 26, 9L The Difficulty. Miss Billiondot--None but the brave de- serve the fair. Percy Harduppe--Trueand none but the wealthy get 'em.--Up-to-Date. There is nobody who can splurge equally with a lot of boys from a small country town when they come to a bigger one. Washington Democrat. It is pretty safe to bet that a boy whose environment doesn't include freckles will never amount to anything.--Atchison Globe. Fits stopped free and permanently cured. No fits after first day's use of Dr. Kline's Great Nerve Restorer. Free $2trial bottle & treatise. Dr. Kline, 933 Arch st., Phila., Pa. If women were as trifling as some men there would be more divorces.--Washing- ton Democrat. Check Colds and Bronchitis with Itale'a Honey of Horehound and Tar. Pike's Toothache Drops Cure in one minute. Experience is a hard block to whittle, but every shaving is of priceless value to the whittler.--N. Y. Indcpendent. To Care a Cold in One Day Take Laxative Bromo Quinine Tablets. All druggists refund money if it fails to cure. 25c. The utility cf life is not in its extent ; it is in the emploanent of it. A man may live long and live little.--Montaigne. "DON'T HIDE YOUR LICHT UNDER A BUSHEL." THAT'8 JUST WHY WE TALK ABOUT SAPOLIO responds readily to proper fer- tilization" Larger crops, fuller ears and larger grain are sure to result from a liberal use of fertilizers containing at least 7% actual i Potash "kIDYolt NAH2 IThL LkND WE Will. $1IDYOU OUR 16 PAOli" ILLUSTRATID TAL0U FRh -" RW00At00N00 180Wsmesma we. tlw H  C, Seattle FREE INFORHATiON Klondike B,ATI'Z, WASr. Aia:Ka Ifeattle, ]Klondike, Alaskm, Waa]lltmt St. le/sttle, es.oo OpUlatloa! Rilr?.g. s Commercial, MtnlnR and Agrlcultttral 0entre; B;ST OUTFITS LOWES PRICE Longest Extmrlence; Lrgeet Cltr; Safest Routes. Add SEa3nET&ItY.